What I Did Not Yet Know

When I was a senior in high school, my mother divorced my father. My father wasn’t around much to say the least. I know this is not everyone’s story, but it is for some who have experienced family dysfunction. My father was emotionally and physically aloof in the most important years of my life. It was a time when I had yet to discover who I was in this world, what made me tick, and what I was called to do and be in this life as a man. I was approaching young adulthood. I remembered what all my other friends had in a father. I knew that my reality was quite different and didn’t understand why.

 I recall being asked a question that I never thought I would be presented with: “Jason, are you going to stay here with me, or go live with your Dad?” At the moment, I wanted to live with neither. It wasn’t because I didn’t love them. But in that particular setting I knew I didn’t feel compelled to be around either one of them. All the fighting, arguing, disagreements that turned into heated rivalries, and having to listen to constant bickering about money, disrespect, etc.. You get the picture right?

As a senior in high school and not having graduated yet, I made the decision to leave my “family of origin,” “my familiar territory,” “my native land,” my father’s house,” searching for the true meaning of home, venturing into a world of obscurity I did not yet know-

            -that, leaving home would be difficult, but it would be one of the biggest marking moments of my life.

            -that, I would soon find myself discovering that I would have to grow up too soon without a clue as to where I would begin.

            -that I would soon realize my own father didn’t leave me any tools use in my journey to discover what growing up was like.

            -that “becoming a man” in this world would be difficult without going through some kind of rite of passage.

            -that life doesn’t necessarily throw curve balls; it throws a two-ton dump truck right on top of you.

            -that I would eventually find myself living in a metal box with four wheels (my car) for almost a year.

            -that spending humid, summer evenings and wet but cold winter nights in car would be absolutely brutal on your body.

            -that I would end up finding a group of friends that would take me in.

            -that their family would take the initiative to graft me into their family, not matter imperfect they were to help me become a man.

            -that I would begin learning the trade of manhood through celebrations, triumphs, and trials.

            -that those people would celebrate with me and pick me up as I was suffocated by life’s revisiting two-ton dump truck.

            -that experimenting with drugs and alcohol would bring me closer to the God who has been close all this time.

            -that past friendships and relationships I obtained were nothing but a vapor compared those that I have now.

            -that a lot of my time walking out this thing called manhood would create in me such an endurance to withstand some of the toughest of times.

            -that growing in and attaining wisdom in this life is priceless, worth more than any earthly treasure you can imagine.

            -that I would somehow learn from some of the poorest decisions that had dramatic effects on those that I love the most.

            -that all of the things that I encountered along the way, like losing my dignity, my friendships, my boyhood, and growing in the experience of being someone’s son.

            -that I would end up starting my own generational line by having two boys of my own.

            -that I would have the gift of being able to father them without genuinely knowing all of the answers to each challenge that would come.

            -that I would be given the chance to relive my sonship through the lives of my two children and see that what I missed all along was indeed devastating, but also such a blessing to be uncovered in time. Precious time.

            -that I have always had time.

            -that if I got caught up, I would surely catch up.

            -that my entire life up until this moment actually prepared me for all that I am doing right now.

            -that I would eventually come into agreement with my personal wholeness that changed the trajectory of my life forever.

            -that I would be building something that was bigger than myself: Family.

            -that I would find myself today, sitting here writing this very sentence having a metanoia experience in my own way of thinking, turning from what I used to be to who I was designed to be since the foundation of the world.

            -that I would be the one to say to the world, “There is more going on in this life than you have ever dreamed of.”